December 2009
6 posts
Second best line of the day
I was looking for the spooge to put in my hair. I almost tossed it with your “Adult Toy Cleanser” foam.
LINE OF THE DAY
Christmas day. The entire family was here, my parents, my son, my husband, my son’s dad, my sister and her husband. My mom was having trouble with tape on a package. My sister was already drunk, and said to our mom:
Did you forget to sharpen your talons this morning?
And then I died laughing. DIED.
Taking a page from regresty:
Happy Whimsicle Fuckery everyone.
See? Perfect. It offends everyone equally. Some aliens could land on the planet and I’d tell them Happy Whimsicle Fuckery and they’d be pissed.
Whimsicle is spelled wrong to piss off anyone who uses English. And since I don’t know when everyone’s major important holiday is, I’d just wish Whimsicle...
“So, if you guys want to come over for Christmas and just hang out, we can do that.”
“You should have a meal.”
“No, no meal. Nothing fancy. Wine if my labs are better. Just hanging out.”
“Did you invite Tom?”
“Yes. I love him!”
“Tim?”
“No. Ugh. I really don’t want to.”
“You should. He’ll...
“Your stepmother and I would like to know what your schedule is to see if we can have you over for Christmas.”
“I thought you said that you didn’t get in between my stepmother and I, and that’s the reason why you didn’t tell her about my grad school.”
“That was just about you. This is Christmas for me too. And we’ll work around you.”
...
“So Christmas will be at your house, right?”
“ahahahahahaha” I cackled while walking away.
“No, seriously.”
“ahaha No, seriously. Bye Mom.”
November 2009
23 posts
(Looking at old photos.)
“Who is she?”
“She was your babysitter. You don’t remember?”
“No. Not at all.”
“You told us she liked to have lots of her husbands come over while we were gone.”
“haha What did you do?”
“I told her how many husbands she could have over at one time.”
“Um, you know I’m 45, right?...
“See how nicely dressed you girls always were?”
“Yep. And you made a lot of the stuff yourself.”
“Then Flashdance came out and you all started dressing like prostitutes.”
Me: Get the fuck out of my chair.
Bro: Make me, pirate whore.
Me: You smell like leftovers and impotence.
Bro: Fuck off. I’m trying to watch this.
Me: You’re fucking watching “Cadillac Man” with Robin Williams.
Bro: Shut the fuck up and go suck a dick.
Mom: Is the swearing necessary?
Me/Bro: Sorry Mom.
Me: Stupid turdball.
Bro: Poopy pants.
(anonymous submission)
Sister 2 “I’m the rude daughter, I guess.”
Sister 1 “Oh. I thought that was me.”
Mother “It is you.”
Sister 1 “I’m really just honest.”
Mother “That’s not honesty.”
Sister 1 “It’s still honesty, even if you don’t like it.”
Sister 2 <snicker>
Mother <sniff>
After the meal
“I have to say I don’t particularly like your hair that color. You should get a perm.”
“I’m finally getting a few grays so I might just leave it alone for a while. When my hair is falling out from the drugs, the color makes it look thicker.”
“You didn’t think you’d live till you were 30.”
“I know. Nobody did, including...
Happy American Thanksgiving
From fucking holidays.
I hope your day is great. If not, may you at least pick up some story fodder.
“I hope he doesn’t bite her.”
“Why? She totally deserves it. He has good instincts.”
“But then he’ll be known as a biting dog.”
“No…he’ll be a J biting dog. He’ll probably be awarded a medal or something.”
“Your sister is not coming to Thanksgiving.”
“What the hell? She is unbelievable. When was she going to tell us that?”
“I don’t know. She’s in Florida, for a basketball game.”
“A basketball game.”
“Yup.”
“In Florida.”
“Don’t worry, I have my replacement family. My hungover brother should be...
“So Stephen has always hated Christmas?”
“Every since homeless man moved in.”
“Natch.”
(submission)
On Politics
“The thing is, they are just so stupid, and they should know better. That’s what gets me.”
“You need to confuse and irritate them. You know how to do it. When they start the train, you keep the train going, but jump three tracks over and maybe run it backwards.”
“Ugh. It is like they’re devolving. Oh! The picture box will take our spirits! Oh! President...
“Jesus fucking christ. Do they have to have the christmas shit out already?”
“Well yes. They make more money that way. They’re free to make as much money as fools with part with, so if that means having christmas shit out since the last firework exploded in July they’re free to do so.”
“I fucking hate christmas.”
“Really?”
“For...
“Did Tom’s parents say it was ok for Stephen to come?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Did you call Stephen? Does he know?”
“Yes. He said he’d probably forget though.”
“Why?”
“It’s Stephen, that’s why.”
“You’d better call him again to make sure he...
“Do you have any Ativan anymore?”
“A little, why?”
“I can’t drink any wine at Thanksgiving. My liver is fucked up from my meds.”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll bring some.”
“Um…can you mail some? We have people coming here the day before, including that bitchy J.”
“Oh Jesus. I’ll mail them tomorrow.”
...
For the last 44 years my husband always had Thanksgiving at his parent’s house at noon. No vacation, business trip, illness or anything ever kept him away.
Three years into our marriage Tom’s father called and said we could not do thanksgiving. His mother was not well. Tom was determined to go anyway.
His mother is don’t-take-the-lithium-when-i’m-not-crazy biploar....
“Is Uncle T coming?”
“No. His new girlfriend said they might, but now he says they both have to work.”
“I’ve never understood that guy even though I’ve known him since I was born.”
“All he ever does is whine and bitch and moan like a fucking baby.”
“Guess I’m lucky I’ve never heard him string more than five words...
Email With Dad
“F will probably be there but not his kids. The turkey is huge, bring your appetite.”
“Jeffe loves turkey like I love mashed potatoes. He’ll be in heaven, instead of the hell I usually keep him in.”
<no response!>
It was Christmas and I was ten.
I will never forget the first time I realized there was something very seriously wrong with my father. It was Christmas and I was ten. My brother was eight, Mom was forty, and it had been barely two years since Dad had left us. My brother and I had discovered novelty coffee mugs. We lived in the village, close enough to walk to the shops in town, and so we did our Christmas shopping...
A bell rings whenever you lose another little...
Any kind of joy or anticipation I may have once had for the holiday season was crushed into dust by several years of working in retail. Behind the cashier’s counter or the service desk, one gets to see the worst aspects of humanity during this time of year. Profits are high. Morale is low. Turnover is through the roof. Customers are, by and large, impatient and exhausted and often cruel.
As...
Backstory
My dad remarried when I was 12 to a real…unhappy woman. Christmas was always a drama, but not quite so unreal as when I had children. Starting with pregnancy. My stepsister and I became pregnant around the same time. I cried the entire time as I watched my stepsister get gift after gift after gift for her new baby. I got awfully smelly perfume.
My stepmother’s reasoning? I...
Now Accepting Submissions!
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A Spousal Interrogative
“So. Did your parents call you?”
“No.” <snort>
“Then how did you find out when they are having Thanksgiving?”
“My sister emailed. Mom wanted a head count.”
“Without inviting you? But it’s at your mom’s house?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure we’re invited?”
“You do not want to experience...
“Wait. You mean your favorite uncle is braving the very depths of hell to keep Satan herself from discovering Thanksgiving?”
“Yes, son. That’s what I mean.”
“You know I tell all my friends she’s a bridge troll, right? A horrible little Italian bridge troll.”
“Sorry, dude. Your family is fucked up.”
This will be the only cross-post on this tumblr.
My favorite alcoholic uncle who accidentally shot himself a long time ago is going to Aunt Gramma’s home for the Thanksgiving dinner so that he can come to the one with my family (my mom is his half-sister) but the deal is he isn’t allowed to tell his mother about our get together (his mother is Aunt Gramma). His brother, her other son, is feuding with her so hopefully he won’t blab like last...