Second best line of the day
I was looking for the spooge to put in my hair. I almost tossed it with your “Adult Toy Cleanser” foam.
LINE OF THE DAY
Christmas day. The entire family was here, my parents, my son, my husband, my son’s dad, my sister and her husband. My mom was having trouble with tape on a package. My sister was already drunk, and said to our mom:
Did you forget to sharpen your talons this morning?
And then I died laughing. DIED.
Taking a page from regresty:
Happy Whimsicle Fuckery everyone.
See? Perfect. It offends everyone equally. Some aliens could land on the planet and I’d tell them Happy Whimsicle Fuckery and they’d be pissed.
Whimsicle is spelled wrong to piss off anyone who uses English. And since I don’t know when everyone’s major important holiday is, I’d just wish Whimsicle Fuckery on everyone I met, all the time.
It’s pretty long, so you could shorten it to Fuckery. Or just Fuck You. F U. Drop the Whimsicle all together. I think most of the world celebrates this merry event already.
(Genius submission.)
“So, if you guys want to come over for Christmas and just hang out, we can do that.”
“You should have a meal.”
“No, no meal. Nothing fancy. Wine if my labs are better. Just hanging out.”
“Did you invite Tom?”
“Yes. I love him!”
“Tim?”
“No. Ugh. I really don’t want to.”
“You should. He’ll just sleep in front of a football game.”
“I hate football.”
“Your stepmother and I would like to know what your schedule is to see if we can have you over for Christmas.”
“I thought you said that you didn’t get in between my stepmother and I, and that’s the reason why you didn’t tell her about my grad school.”
“That was just about you. This is Christmas for me too. And we’ll work around you.”
“Really? Because what about my stepsister? She’s married too, and she has her dad’s family. Have you talked to her about when to have Christmas yet?”
“Her in-law’s are in Pheonix already.”
“Well my in-laws have been the same for the last 6 years dad. They have spaghetti on christmas eve around 6.”
“Well, we have to work around that.”
“You know that mom has always worked around you? Since the divorce, anytime you wanted to have it she do something whenever?”
“I’ll call you if we can schedule christmas.”
click.
(submission)
“So Christmas will be at your house, right?”
“ahahahahahaha” I cackled while walking away.
“No, seriously.”
“ahaha No, seriously. Bye Mom.”
(Looking at old photos.)
“Who is she?”
“She was your babysitter. You don’t remember?”
“No. Not at all.”
“You told us she liked to have lots of her husbands come over while we were gone.”
“haha What did you do?”
“I told her how many husbands she could have over at one time.”
“Um, you know I’m 45, right? Is that really what you said?”
<turns the page>
“See how nicely dressed you girls always were?”
“Yep. And you made a lot of the stuff yourself.”
“Then Flashdance came out and you all started dressing like prostitutes.”
Me: Get the fuck out of my chair.
Bro: Make me, pirate whore.
Me: You smell like leftovers and impotence.
Bro: Fuck off. I’m trying to watch this.
Me: You’re fucking watching “Cadillac Man” with Robin Williams.
Bro: Shut the fuck up and go suck a dick.
Mom: Is the swearing necessary?
Me/Bro: Sorry Mom.
Me: Stupid turdball.
Bro: Poopy pants.
(anonymous submission)
